I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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