all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
