a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize