People in love make me want to vomit
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize