Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
