"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
