My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
