I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
