Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
