Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
