im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize