I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
