Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
