I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
not ubering you a puppy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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