Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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