I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
