It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
