I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Let's get the cat blown out
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
