I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
