weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You are the jesus of drinking
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We're too hungover to prance.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
