I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I said "one day" and that day is not today
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
