The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
