I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just threw up on my dentist
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
