My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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