He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
