apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
