'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think I sprained my soul last night
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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