so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
