Don't make out with my wife yet
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
