it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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