Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
