you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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