The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
