Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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