Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
50% drunk capacity currently
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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