Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
