speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Welp...herpes.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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