Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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