I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize