420 ftw
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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