Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
