I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize