So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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