life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
