dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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