i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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