a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
