Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
