he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
