The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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