Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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