my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
