I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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