y did u give ur computer a hand job?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm getting married
To pizza
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
