He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
