she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
