Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
