Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
3pm strippers are depressing
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
