i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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