that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
