The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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